16 februarie 2016

Statutul meu pe facebook azi de ziua mea:

Thank you for your birthday wishes but soon I will commit suicide. My life was indeed perfect, without any sin or mistake and without any psychic pathology, etc. The society rejected me only because I was very poor since childhood and because my mother wanted my death, she said this many times. All of you rejected me in order to force me to commit suicide because of total isolation and poverty. If I were not rejected from the world of haiku writers, I could have written better haiku. With my longer poems it is the same. I was rejected form international haiku forums and workshops and all haiku authors I virtually met on facebook never talked with me with a few exceptions. They never sent me some haiku pdf collections for free because I don't have money, although I was willing to read and to make critical analysis. I especially liked essays and I could have been able to write by myself if I were accepted, I could have done translations and other works and feel happy and accepted inside social structures. In my country they rejected me too. They did not accepted me in haiku gatherings or workshops. They did not accept me in their haiku associations neither in Bucharest, nor in Constanta, they never give me a chance, they shove me out from online haiku contests in Romania without any guilt from my part. They never asked for my contribution or collaborative works, although I was never insane and I was able to feel happy. They did not publish my book, thus rejecting my haiku creations, while other Romanian authors who started to write after me had their haiku collections published, almost all of them. With longer poems it was the same, they all were united unconsciously against me. They did many evil things and they made fun of me. I will finish my true and objective story about my life on my blog and then I will commit suicide. I did absolutely nothing wrong and I was never insane, yet they all acted as if I were someone else. I don't have too many other things to write, I am somewhere in 2002-2003 with my story but I already wrote things that happened after that period. The trouble is that they postponed my death by leaving me without money for food and being hungry it is very hard to write and concentrate. It's been a week now since I starved again. I starved so many days and weeks in the past years. They will lie to you that this is because I bought cigarettes, while in fact this is their arrangement in order to fool others about me, and even without cigarettes the money would not have been enough for food intake and strict necessities. Plus I really need some underwear and it is hard to walk on the street with it slipping on my hips. Plus I need a few clothes at least once in 3 years and shoes at least once in 5 years because my only pair of shoes is torn and ragged. And I need a few drugs each month, the strict necessities, for stomach burns, for swollen legs and for peripheral neuropathy, without them I cannot use properly my hands and fingers and they are really necessary. Cigarettes are cheaper than food and I used them as a kind of substitute. When I did not smoke in my youth and between 2005-2007 (more than 2 years maybe) they tortured me sexually (fucked me from the distance) even more horribly and cigarettes inhibited somehow these sexual rapes. Although I did not smoke, my mother invented scandals and tortured me far more worse those years without any guilt from my part, without any objective cause.

Spre seară m-a sunat Irina de la Constanța. Eu am scris aproape totul despre ea în viața mea, dar voi mai adăuga câteva lucruri după ce voi termina cu familia Șerban. Irina mi-a urat la mulți ani și m-a mai întrebat ce fac și eu i-am spus adevărul scris pe acest blog. Ea mi-a spus că poate mă va ajuta cu ceva bani, eu am rugat-o dacă poate o sumă mai mică, adică 50 de lei, fiindcă stau foarte prost cu banii. Nu știu dacă va putea să îmi trimită și când. Eu nu o bănuiesc pe ea de nimic rău, dar trebuie să notez aici ce mi se întâmplă de fiecare dată când vorbesc cu ea la telefon (ceea ce se întâmplă rar, fiindcă și ea m-a izolat și eu nu am pe nimeni altcineva). Mereu când vorbesc cu ea, dacă se întâmplă să vorbesc calm și așa cum îmi este felul, cu tonul și intonația mea normale și obișnuite, ea spune că nu aude nimic și astfel mă obligă să vorbesc cu ea ca și cum nu aș fi eu însămi. Ca și cum m-aș miorlăi sau aș fi falsă. Poate nu e ea de vină, poate sunt de vină cei de la compania de telefoane (care nu știu ce ar putea să aibă cu mine și de ce să mă persecute) și ea într-adevăr nu aude nimic. Dar dacă ați asculta înregistrarea convorbirilor noastre, ați zice că ea e normală și eu nebună sau aiurea de tot. Dacă îmi revin și uit că trebuie să vorbesc ascuțit și cu efortul de a vorbi cât mai tare, ea din nou spune că nu aude nimic și eu iar trebuie să vorbesc pe un ton nenatural. Asta e.